Loving you was young, and wild, and free. Loving you was cool and hot, and sweet. Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound. A steady place to let down my defences. But loving you had consequences.
When things get tough, I tend to tell myself that everything will be okay. My subconscious reminds me that tomorrow will be a better day and we can put all this past us. But what happens when you have put so much care and effort in order to make the relationship work and it gets dismissed?
Don’t I deserve happiness?
Honestly, ever since we came back, I can never be myself again. I can’t just shrug things off as you did. “I’m sorry, let’s put this behind us and go back to being happy.” Are you delusional or am I? Either ways, it clearly shows because I’m paying for it right now. Going out for some air and just sitting on my own on the stairs nearby our room while I overhear waves swishing from the beach, I was honestly ready to let go. I was ready to accept the truth that we were never meant to be and we are never getting back together.
You were the first person who I thought understood me and accepted me for who I am. But as time passes, it shows that it was all an act. I always believe that there are two sides of the story but I’m pretty sure I know what your side is.
So how do you know when to stay and when to leave?
You really don’t, that’s the shitty part. You constantly try to make things better but it can never be enough.
I changed. Since the last time we fought, I changed to make us better. To make you better. Why can’t you see that? You first leave me without a chance for me to change but when I finally do, you decide to throw it all away for something petty?
~once upon a time~
And that was just the beginning.
And I told you to be patient. And I told you to be fine. And I told you to be balanced. And I told you to be kind. And in the morning I’ll be with you but it will be a different kind. And now all your love is wasted.
I never knew that I would end up being the type of person that would feel helpless in a relationship. The whole car situation keeps playing in loops in my mind and I hate it so much. I wish I could go back in time and fix things just so it wouldn’t have happened. But it’s a little too late for that now.
I used to see a future with you. But now, I don’t and that’s just shitty. How am I supposed to live a life in fear with the person I truly love? Everyone knows I would do anything to make you happy but who’s going to make me happy? We both know I don’t trust you and that’s going to take a long ass time till I actually do. The rational thing to do here is to walk away but why can’t I, though? Am I just crazy? Am I just blinded in love? Am I just scared to be alone again?
We were doing so well. We fixed things. We were so in love. For the first time in so long, we enjoyed each other’s company and we never felt like we ever needed space unlike before. We changed for the better.
But I don’t know what happens now. Everything changed. You threw that all away.
And there’s no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands.
All I know is you broke me and I’m not going back to my old self.
So, thank you for that. Thank you for hurting the person you love the most.
A letter to ‘you know who you are.’
Pictures by Paolo Raeli, Lisa Troyanovskaya, Katinka Productions, Khamkeo Vilaysing & Emmett Sparling